Summer of Change

This last school year was a whirlwind for our family. I don't know what we were thinking when we had our children four years apart (insert wink here - of course there was no plan!) so that one was graduating middle school while the other was graduating high school. That would probably be fine if we lived in the kind of school district where my son could just go on to his local high school. In Philadelphia, when children leave middle school, most apply to special admission high schools and private schools for the high school years. In the case of the special admission public schools, this means receiving target scores on standardized tests, writing essays, shadowing for a day, and often interviewing, presenting a project or auditioning, depending on the school mission (science, performing arts, etc.).  In addition, the private schools require essays, special testing, shadowing, and student and parent interviews. Since my son decided to apply to both public and private schools, we were very busy during the application process. At the same time, my daughter was inundated with writing college essays (21 in total, as some of the schools required as many as 5 short answer essays), while at the same time balancing a very hard schedule (4 AP classes plus 2 additional academic courses).

Ultimately, my son has chosen to attend a small private Quaker school that was the closest in mission to the school he attended Pre-K-8. While he was accepted by and considered going to the large public special admission high school his sister attended, we all agreed it was too large for him and required far too many hours of homework. He also got into the well-regarded private Quaker high school in our neighborhood, but its team sports requirement concerned him as a non-athlete. Ultimately the smaller school he chose seemed like a better fit: he can choose between participating in sports or theater (or do both) and he will be in downtown Philadelphia, which will be an exciting change for him. The theater option was especially attractive to him as he had substantial roles in the middle school musical the last two years and discovered he has something of a talent for musical theater, specifically with comic roles. Additionally, the average class size of 15 students, versus closer to 33 in the public school, made the private school decision almost a no-brainer for a boy with attention challenges.

 My son has come a long way in the last few years, but it is obvious that he benefits from smaller classes with teachers who know him and understand how he learns. I am happy for him but admit feeling a little sadness that he will not be attending a public high school, and also a little self-conscious that he will have the kind of education that can only be accessed by a privileged few.

Now I look ahead to both college and high school transitions in the months ahead with alternating feelings of excitement and anxiety. The summer of 2017 is truly a summer of change.

Different Parenting for Different Children

As suggested by this blog,  I have spent many hours over the last few years worrying about my son. I have been lucky that this has been an easier school year for him so my worry for him has definitely receded (although it is always lurking in the background, like theme music you can make out if you listen closely). Before I can achieve complete calm, however, reasons to worry about my daughter have emerged in full force.

My daughter is a 17-year-old high school junior at one of Philadelphia's most competitive schools. She is currently taking 3 AP courses, 2 honors courses and 1 advanced course while navigating the world between the old SATs and new SATs along with all the SAT subject tests required by some colleges. In addition, she recently got her driver's license and inherited her father's beloved Toyota Rav-4, which she has christened "LeBron" after the basketball legend.

Last weekend, she asked if she could go to a party in a different section of the city and I told her she would have to get a ride there and back from her father. Mortified, she convinced me she could handle the drive by showing me the route she would take and promising to be home by 9PM. Fate was against both of us that night: it started pouring rain before she left the party and I was uneasy waiting for her to arrive back at home. Eventually my husband got a call from her: she had hit another car making a turn and was at the side of the road waiting for the police. No one was hurt but there was noticeable damage to both cars.

Up until now my husband and I have not encouraged our daughter to get a job because she works so hard at school and helps us out by watching her brother; plus we have enough money to pay for the car. Now looking at how much this accident is going to cost us, I am singing a different tune: time to get babysitting/nannying jobs to earn some money. My daughter seemed upset when I told her this, not because she didn't want to work - she has always been interested in getting a summer job and I have told her to stick to volunteering because of her schedule - but because she is scared that she won't be good at it. I reminder her of how little children always love her, including family members, children from her elementary school, and children from the morning camp where she volunteers in the summer. She says she is upset that I never made her work when she was younger so she would have more experience with working.

I am reminded of the book David and Goliath by Malcolm Gladwell in which he quotes a so-called "Hollywood mogul" who asks, "How do you teach 'work hard, be independent, learning the meaning of money' to children who look around themselves and realize that they never have to work hard, be independent, or learn the meaning of money?" The truth is, my daughter has wanted to work and be independent, and of course she will need to work in the not too distant future, but she knows we can afford to pay for the damage to both of the cars. So now what? The key, according to Gladwell, is to tell your children that you are not going to pay for or buy something not because you cannot afford it, but because it does not fit in with your family's value system, so if they want something, they will have to work for it. This is probably what I should have done with the car in the first place: have her earn money to pay for gas and insurance.

What is the lesson? Let's face it: parenting is a hard job, no matter who your child is. Your children need different things from you depending on their personalities, strengths and weaknesses, and where they are in life. All you can do is figure out what kind of parent they need at a particular moment in time. While my son is currently coasting, my daughter needs the parent who says that being smart doesn't mean you have the experience to drive a car in all situations, and that there are consequences when things go wrong. My son will now see his perfect big sister isn't perfect after all.

Demands and Capacities

As 2015 draws to a close, I am able to reflect that it has been a good year for us as a family. My daughter continues to do well in school, tested well on the SATs, and is starting to look at colleges that will be a good fit for her. My son is having an easier year, spending much less time per night on homework than last year, and yet is still appropriately challenged. Happy children, happy family.

I am reminded of the work of a professor of mine in graduate school who is well known in the field of Stuttering. His "demands and capacities model"  (Woody Starkweather, 1990) holds that a child is more likely to stutter when his the demands for fluent speech in a situation exceeds his capacity/ability to produce such speech. This model held that decreasing demands (such as using a slower rate, not interrupting the child, not rushing the child, etc.) will lead to less stuttering as the demands are more in line with the child's speech capacities.

It strikes me that the same demands and capacities could be applied to educational performance, especially for children with ADHD and/or learning differences. For example, if the demands in terms of amount of homework exceeds the child's capacities to do such work in a timely manner (due to dyslexia, dysgraphia, attention issues, etc.), then a negative outcome is likely. If the demand is appropriate (such as the recommended 10 minutes of homework per grade, thus 60 minutes for a sixth grader, 120 minutes for a 12th grader), the child is more likely to succeed in school.

Interestingly, my seventh grade son, who needs frequent breaks, is now spending a more appropriate 1 1/2 to 2 hours per night on homework and my AP-loaded 11th grader is spending 4 to 5 hours many nights. In my daughter's case, her capacities still exceed the ridiculous demands of her classes and she is able to do very well and function in this environment. I recognize that her need to do well and drive to impress her teachers may be leading her to exceed the amount of time needed to get good but not great grades. My son, on the other hand, is much more relaxed this year and recently admitted that he used to try to be like his sister, but now realizes that he does not have to get straight A's to be happy.

Perhaps we should all think about our own demands and capacities. Maybe we should admit when the demands placed on us exceeds our ability to do something in a way that feels comfortable to us. As our demands lighten or our capacities grow, we can embrace more. Here's to being able to embrace more in 2016!

To Do: Write To Do List!

It has been a smooth start to the school year for my son, but I don't want to start celebrating too soon as he has only had one full week of school so far. As it stands now, when my son comes home from school, I ask him his plan for his homework, which he begins 45 minutes after he walks in the door. As usual, he is almost completely independent with Math, Science and Social Studies. His biggest challenges are Spanish and Language Arts, and thus far he has done his work for those classes with minimal assistance from me, that assistance primarily being that he runs all of his answers by me before he writes them down in those subjects. Additionally, I am reading the chapters of the book he is reading in LA (the current book is The Pearl by Steinbeck, one of my favorites) so I can understand his answers. The question now is how to move him away from having to process his answers aloud with me before writing them, to having him write his answers and proof them himself.

This week I listened to the ADDitude magazine podcast "How to Stop Hovering," by Peg Dawson, the co-author of the "Smart but Scattered" book series. Dawson recognizes the unique challenge for parents of children with ADHD, i.e., not letting children fail (because, she says, children with ADHD often do not learn or benefit from failure), yet not providing so much help that a child does not internalize the skills necessary for homework autonomy. The key is providing scaffolding and supports that are taken away gradually as the child moves towards independence.

An example of scaffolding is the to do list. Dawson says that one of the issues with children with ADHD is that they think their working memory is a lot better than it actually is; in reality, they can't keep all that they have to do in their heads despite their insistence that they can. Unfortunately, children often don't want to take the time to write a to do list either. Dawson suggests that parents start by writing the list for their child, and then transition to writing it together with their child, until finally the child is able to write the list on his own.

As for me, I may start by using a blank weekly calendar with my son, which is something I use for myself. We can write down what he says he is going to do each day of the week towards tests and long-term projects (such as time studying for a quiz at the end of the week) and he can check each item off as he gets it done. At least it is one more step towards independence, which means independence for him and for me!

Midsummer Post

I haven't posted in a while, which is because I have not had to deal with any real meltdowns or arguments from my son this summer, except one emotional day last week when I tried to enforce the daily requirement for exercise. He did not want to swim in the pool that day, nor did he want to take a walk or ride his bike alone. He finally agreed to take a walk, but only if I could provide a destination (walking six blocks then turning around and walking back is not motivating apparently). I thought back to what I have read about children with ADHD needing more tangible rewards than non-ADHD children. I finally decided we would walk together to a store that would have paper for his Language Arts project. I am hoping that next time he can walk to that store alone, get something we need in the house, and come home. (I don't plan to accompany him to the store when he is 40!)

In any case, it seems the slower pace of summer and limited homework has decreased the stress in the household. Even this week, when my son has a three hour camp in the morning and a one hour guitar lesson in the afternoon, followed by 30-45 minutes of work (Spanish or math practice/games) and a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise, he seems so much calmer than during the school year. This seems to be the pace that works for him, at least at this point in his life: some structure interrupted by frequent breaks. Not everyone needs to pause as frequently (my daughter does not seem to), but the breaks really reset and recharge my son, which is typical of the child with an ADHD brain.

I am thinking about one of my son's teachers, who told me (and my son) that my son is one of the hardest working students she knows. It is great to hear that about him, but I am sorry that he has to work that hard at the age of 12 when he has so many years of work ahead of him. During the school year, I hope he can remind himself of these lazy days of summer and know that they will come around again.

Countdown to Summer

The end of the school year for my son is fast approaching and overall I am happy about that. For three months I will not have to oversee 2-3 hours of homework a night and up to 6 hours on weekends. The end of school also means that my son will have a lot more free time and a lot more time with me, which I will have to manage. Thus, I will have a whole new host of challenges, like monitoring computer time, food intake, amount of exercise, and boredom. In the end, the fight over homework will be replaced with the fight about why doing 5 hours of Minecraft while eating chicken tenders and fries three times a day is not a prescription for a healthy summer.

The most recent podcast I listened to from ADDitude magazine is titled "The Calm Parent" by Kirk Martin. Martin, like many of his colleagues, reminds us that we as parents need to control our own behaviors before addressing our child's, which includes recognizing our own emotional triggers and being present with them. In addition, Martin discusses many strategies he has found useful for interacting with  children with ADHD, such as:

- When emotional, both of you should sit down. A change in posture changes mood.

- Use code words and actions to achieve a cool down. "Get chips and salsa" and "popcorn" are two he uses. The time it takes to pop the popcorn in a microwave is a cool down period for the child. He also uses the word "opposite" to remind a child that his behavior is having the opposite result that he wants.

- Praise your child for progress, not for perfection.

- Children with ADHD have busy, disorganized brains, Martin says. They often do not feel like they have any control or ownership of anything. Saying "no" to a child teaches impulse control, but you should say "yes" to something else. For example, give your child the opportunity to do chores or help another adult to make money to buy a video game he wants.

- Recognize and honor your child's gifts, talents and passions. Design your own report card for your child, grading them on items like compassion, leadership, creativity and initiative.

Martin often reminds children of the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." I can see that I will have to remind myself of that when I overreact to one of my son's behaviors. I need to model calmness and equanimity. For more information, see Martin's website: http://celebratecalm.com/about-us/

The Yin and Yang of ADHD

I'm not sure if having more than one kid is easier or harder when one has ADHD and the other does not. Despite knowing better, I too often expect the one with attention issues to do things the way his older sister did at the same age. His older sister not only does not have ADHD, but she is the kid who has been independent with her homework since 4th grade and who could focus on her homework if Mt. Vesuvius were erupting outside her window. She makes dinner for herself and washes her own sheets. She is not a good yardstick for typical development and certainly not a good one for her brother.

ADDitude magazine has ADHD Expert Podcasts that are published every week. I went back to listen to their first two podcasts: Russell Barkley's "Why Does He Do That?" and Neil Hallowell's "The Bright Side of ADHD." In his podcast, Barkley talks about how ADHD's main issue is not attention but in emotional regulation. He also advises parents to have compassion for their children and to trust their instincts in terms of what their children are capable of at each stage of development. He goes on to say that it is helpful to take off 30% from the age of a child with ADHD to determine their actual emotional developmental maturity. Thus a child who is 10 is more like a 7-year-old in terms of emotional maturity and a 12 year old is like an 8 year old.  This should help parents determine what their child should be capable of in terms of chores, independence with assignments, etc. Barkley cautions parents not to be pressured by others in terms of what their children are ready for. He says that if you believe your child needs more help with homework, he probably does. As far as letting a child with ADHD get his driver's license at 16? Probably not a good idea.

So, according to Barkley, when my son is 21, he will be more like a 14-year-old in terms of maturity. He won't reach be like an 18-year-old until he is 26. Suddenly I am feeling like I will be picking towels off the bathroom floor and checking homework until I collect social security.

Neil Hallowell, a doctor who has ADHD and Dyslexia himself, has a more hopeful message. He considers ADHD a "trait" rather than a disorder and he says he wouldn't trade having these conditions for the world. While he does recognize that untreated ADHD can lead to negative outcomes like unemployment, substance abuse and trouble with the law, those will treated ADHD are the "movers and shakers" of the world: the Pulitzer-prize winners and entrepreneurs. He says that ADHD is common among "hugely successful people" who tend to be "nice, warm and forgiving." These are the risk takers and the pioneers, who "have an itch they have to scratch."

What am I left with as a parent? The yin and yang of ADHD. The incredible challenge and amazing potential.