The Yin and Yang of ADHD

I'm not sure if having more than one kid is easier or harder when one has ADHD and the other does not. Despite knowing better, I too often expect the one with attention issues to do things the way his older sister did at the same age. His older sister not only does not have ADHD, but she is the kid who has been independent with her homework since 4th grade and who could focus on her homework if Mt. Vesuvius were erupting outside her window. She makes dinner for herself and washes her own sheets. She is not a good yardstick for typical development and certainly not a good one for her brother.

ADDitude magazine has ADHD Expert Podcasts that are published every week. I went back to listen to their first two podcasts: Russell Barkley's "Why Does He Do That?" and Neil Hallowell's "The Bright Side of ADHD." In his podcast, Barkley talks about how ADHD's main issue is not attention but in emotional regulation. He also advises parents to have compassion for their children and to trust their instincts in terms of what their children are capable of at each stage of development. He goes on to say that it is helpful to take off 30% from the age of a child with ADHD to determine their actual emotional developmental maturity. Thus a child who is 10 is more like a 7-year-old in terms of emotional maturity and a 12 year old is like an 8 year old.  This should help parents determine what their child should be capable of in terms of chores, independence with assignments, etc. Barkley cautions parents not to be pressured by others in terms of what their children are ready for. He says that if you believe your child needs more help with homework, he probably does. As far as letting a child with ADHD get his driver's license at 16? Probably not a good idea.

So, according to Barkley, when my son is 21, he will be more like a 14-year-old in terms of maturity. He won't reach be like an 18-year-old until he is 26. Suddenly I am feeling like I will be picking towels off the bathroom floor and checking homework until I collect social security.

Neil Hallowell, a doctor who has ADHD and Dyslexia himself, has a more hopeful message. He considers ADHD a "trait" rather than a disorder and he says he wouldn't trade having these conditions for the world. While he does recognize that untreated ADHD can lead to negative outcomes like unemployment, substance abuse and trouble with the law, those will treated ADHD are the "movers and shakers" of the world: the Pulitzer-prize winners and entrepreneurs. He says that ADHD is common among "hugely successful people" who tend to be "nice, warm and forgiving." These are the risk takers and the pioneers, who "have an itch they have to scratch."

What am I left with as a parent? The yin and yang of ADHD. The incredible challenge and amazing potential.