The Yin and Yang of ADHD

I'm not sure if having more than one kid is easier or harder when one has ADHD and the other does not. Despite knowing better, I too often expect the one with attention issues to do things the way his older sister did at the same age. His older sister not only does not have ADHD, but she is the kid who has been independent with her homework since 4th grade and who could focus on her homework if Mt. Vesuvius were erupting outside her window. She makes dinner for herself and washes her own sheets. She is not a good yardstick for typical development and certainly not a good one for her brother.

ADDitude magazine has ADHD Expert Podcasts that are published every week. I went back to listen to their first two podcasts: Russell Barkley's "Why Does He Do That?" and Neil Hallowell's "The Bright Side of ADHD." In his podcast, Barkley talks about how ADHD's main issue is not attention but in emotional regulation. He also advises parents to have compassion for their children and to trust their instincts in terms of what their children are capable of at each stage of development. He goes on to say that it is helpful to take off 30% from the age of a child with ADHD to determine their actual emotional developmental maturity. Thus a child who is 10 is more like a 7-year-old in terms of emotional maturity and a 12 year old is like an 8 year old.  This should help parents determine what their child should be capable of in terms of chores, independence with assignments, etc. Barkley cautions parents not to be pressured by others in terms of what their children are ready for. He says that if you believe your child needs more help with homework, he probably does. As far as letting a child with ADHD get his driver's license at 16? Probably not a good idea.

So, according to Barkley, when my son is 21, he will be more like a 14-year-old in terms of maturity. He won't reach be like an 18-year-old until he is 26. Suddenly I am feeling like I will be picking towels off the bathroom floor and checking homework until I collect social security.

Neil Hallowell, a doctor who has ADHD and Dyslexia himself, has a more hopeful message. He considers ADHD a "trait" rather than a disorder and he says he wouldn't trade having these conditions for the world. While he does recognize that untreated ADHD can lead to negative outcomes like unemployment, substance abuse and trouble with the law, those will treated ADHD are the "movers and shakers" of the world: the Pulitzer-prize winners and entrepreneurs. He says that ADHD is common among "hugely successful people" who tend to be "nice, warm and forgiving." These are the risk takers and the pioneers, who "have an itch they have to scratch."

What am I left with as a parent? The yin and yang of ADHD. The incredible challenge and amazing potential.

Kindle Saves Me Again

My son is not a strong reader. While he technically reads at grade level, he is a slow reader and his attentional issues make reading even less efficient for him. In order to help him with reading comprehension, I load the book my son is reading in school on my Kindle Touch and read the chapters ahead of him so we can discuss what is going on in the story and the themes in the book. I find that my son tends to do much better when he can talk out his ideas to someone who is reading the book along with him.

Recently, my son has been assigned vocabulary words to locate in the book he is reading, which he finds overwhelming. I am having him use the Kindle search feature to find the target words in the book, look up the pages they are on, and look up the meaning - all directly from the Kindle. This has made a cumbersome task much more manageable for him.

Last week, when my son had a bad cold. I allowed him to turn on the Text to Speech feature on the Kindle to have the pages read to him. As I discussed in a previous post, this is a computerized voice that reads the text in a rather clunky way, but it seems to work for my son. Unfortunately, I found out that the new Kindle, the Paperwhite, does not have this Text to Speech option. This concerned me: what will I do when my Kindle dies, which it will eventually?

Not to be deterred, I searched Google to find out if I could have books read on the iPad using iPad features and the Kindle app. I went to eHow and found out that this can be achieved by turning the iPad's VoiceOver feature on (which is  under "Accessibility" under "Settings" on the iPad) and then accessing the book on the Kindle app.

Obviously, another option for having books read aloud is to buy the books he is reading through Audible (a seller of downloadable audiobooks). Because I don't usually want to have to books read to him and the books and membership are fairly expensive, we are not using that option at this time, although we may in the future (I am thinking it will pay for itself when he has to read Shakespeare, The Odyssey and Beowulf…). Additionally, some books are not available on Audible, including the one he is currently reading.

Meanwhile, I am grateful every day for the Kindle and how it has helped us make reading more fun and less of a chore.

A Little Bit of ADHD

A few days ago I received an email with a short video attachment from Dr. Russell Barkley, one of the foremost experts in the field of ADHD, encouraging professionals working with children with ADHD to screen the parents of these children to determine if one or both parents also has the disorder, as there is a 40% chance one of them does. In the video, Barkley goes on to say that that the majority of children (65% on average) with ADHD will eventually develop ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). Unlike ADHD, which Barkley recognizes is a genetic disorder and not a result of parenting, Barkley believes ODD often develops as a result of disruptive or inconsistent parenting, which might be expected if a parent also has ADHD. http://kidsconference.kajabi.com/fe/77690-adhd-causes-odd

I am reflecting back to my earlier post about how my son's issues with emotional dysregulation sometimes plays into my emotional temperament. Although I myself do not have ADHD, I can definitely react to stress in an emotional way, especially when interacting with my son, and I recognize that my reactions can often exacerbate our verbal exchanges. While I am working on "being present" and not "taking things personally," I have started to wonder if there is something else I can do.

After viewing Barkley's short video, I went on to watch an hour long lecture that Barkley gave at the University of California in 2008 on ADHD. http://www.uctv.tv/shows/Advances-in-the-Understanding-and-Management-of-ADHD-14660 Much of what Barkley said was familiar to me, however, I found some things enlightening, some of which I plan to post at a later date. What Barkley said that really affected me was that as he is getting older, he is experiencing some symptoms of ADHD himself, such as going in a room to do one thing and then starting to do another. As per Barkley, each of us has a little ADHD as our memory declines, including men over 50 and women in perimenopause.

I've always been concerned about people saying that they have a "little bit of ADHD" because I worry that this minimizes the impact of ADHD on an individual and a family. In reality, Barkley says that while older people may experience this "little bit of ADHD," people who truly have the disorder are experiencing these symptoms at four times that intensity.

Putting all of this together, does that mean that in addition to my temperament, my perimenopausal symptoms (intermittent tiredness, irritability, and brain fog) are increasing my son's oppositional behaviors? I think the answer may be yes if these symptoms are influencing my reaction to him. This is a reminder of what I can do (and more often than not, try to do) to take care of myself:

1. Get enough sleep
2. Eat healthy food
3. Exercise regularly
4. Take natural supplements
5. Meditate

Most of all, I need to have empathy not only for my son, but also for myself.

Opting Out of "One Size Fits All"

A while back I posted about the Keystone exams in Philadelphia, which are standardized tests in biology, literature and algebra that students attending public high school in Pennsylvania must pass in order to graduate, beginning with the graduating class of 2017. The tests must be taken by all students, including English Language Learners and students with special needs. A student can retake the exam up to three times, and then can complete a project that will be graded by teachers from other school districts after two failed attempts.

Recently, some parents have discovered that they can "opt out" of Keystone testing for their children on the basis of religious or philosophical grounds and have the student complete a project in their place. Unfortunately, current freshman and sophomores cannot "opt out" because they are slated to graduate in 2017 or after so must pass the subject tests (or at least make two attempts) in order to receive their diplomas under the current rules.

It boggles my mind that in a poor school district like Philadelphia's, which has had to cut out art, music and mentally gifted classes and has schools functioning with part time nurses and minimal counselors, is spending so much money on this exam, especially for the multiple administration attempts that will be needed for many ELL students and students with special needs. That is not even to mention the classroom time that will be wasted on test preparation.

I am also amazed that in a world of increasing diversity and globalization that there is so much effort to assess children with a standardized instrument as a graduation requirement. We as a society now know so much about brain differences, cultural differences and multiple intelligences that one would think this "one size fits all" approach would seem an artifact of the 20th century.

I personally would like to see schools that produce what our society needs in addition to doctors, lawyers and teachers: designers, innovators and creative thinkers of all types, which is the belief of Daniel Pink, author of the New York Times and BusinessWeek bestselling book "A Whole New Mind." As Pink says, "the MFA [Master of Fine Arts] is the new MBA…many MBA graduates are becoming this century's blue collar workers -- people who entered a workforce full of promise, only to see their jobs move overseas." What we need, it seems, is more creativity, not standardization.

Articles referenced:

http://www.newsworks.org/index.php/local/education/75396-phillys-opt-out-movement-grows-as-council-holds-hearing-on-standardized-tests

www.examiner.com/article/what-feltonville-taught-philly-about-opt-out

Mirror Mirror

I have always been an emotional person, and I am sure that my son gets some of his emotional wiring from me. I don't think I really matured emotionally until I was in my late twenties or maybe even my early thirties (studies show that the human brain is still maturing quite a bit until the mid-twenties, so I was on the late side). Over the years I have learned how to not take things as personally and not make assumptions about another person's motivations (two of the "Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz), how to use "breath work" to calm myself down during stressful moments, and how to limit time with negative people in my life.

Still, when my son is upset, I find that I am back to feeling the way I felt as a teenager and all of my strategies seem to vanish into thin air. When my son is complaining, crying or yelling, I feel my blood pressure rising and I feel like crying or yelling back at him. In short, I am a sponge for his emotions.

More recently I realized that so-called "mirror neurons" may be at the root of this. Mirror neurons are specialized neurons in the brain that researchers believe are responsible for things like learning language, feeling like you are part of the action during spectator sports, and experiencing empathy for another human being. Mirror neurons are why you can feel like a spider is crawling up your leg when you see it happen to someone in a movie and they are also why being around someone in a bad mood can put you in a bad mood too. In my case, I believe that my mirror neurons are making me feel what my son is feeling when he is frustrated, angry or sad, and they are becoming my undoing.

While empathy, especially for my child, is certainly a good thing, I think am going to have to find a way to mediate these mirror neurons in order for me to be an effective parent. Consciously "being present" is the best way I have found to not get sucked into another person's mood. Of course, I will also fall back on my repertoire: don't take it personally, don't make assumptions, and breathe…Also, to remember that this too will pass...

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Giving up something to get something

A new year brings hope for a fresh start and for making positive changes, such as giving up habits or patterns that are not serving you well. It is sometimes helpful to have a ritual around this, perhaps journaling about your goals or writing what you want to give up on pieces of paper and burning the pages in the fireplace.

This year my son is giving up something he likes that has also become a burden, which is being a member of the Keystone State Boychoir, a prestigious singing group. While he loves singing and performing, my son found the almost 4 hour practices every Saturday morning, combined with the extra practices around performances, was taking a toll on him, especially with the added pressure of 3-6 hours of weekend homework.

Still, giving up the Choir was very hard for my son, who had a lot of difficulty giving up something he had worked so hard to join. I finally had to step in and help him make the decision since it was giving him so much anxiety and even led to what appeared to be an anxiety attack one Saturday morning when he realized how much homework he would have to do on Sunday. His free time is very important to him, which I respect; my free time is very important to me!

I recently read a book that really affected me to the degree that I gave a copy to my son's teacher and to my father. Boy Without Instructions, by Penny Williams, is a personal account by a mother about the day to day challenges of parenting her son with ADHD. There are so many lessons from the book that I could not possibly list them all here, but a section on how hard it was for Penny's son to give up baseball ( he kept telling his mother that he was not a quitter) affected me profoundly. As parents, we don't want to be teaching our children to quit, but there are times when something is not serving you well. I believe this was an opportunity to teach my son HOW to quit something the "right way." I wrote a letter to the Choir directors weeks in advance essentially giving "notice" and required that my son stay through the holiday concert (a five hour Sunday which followed a five hour Saturday practice). Also, I made sure the door would be  open for my son to return to the Choir later if he wishes.

So this year I will mourn that my son is not a part of this wonderful group, but I will also be happy on Saturday mornings when he can relax for a change and enjoy the lazy Saturday mornings I myself remember having as a child. I guess you have to lay something down to pick something up.

Technology Is Your Friend

I am continually trying to find ways for my son to work around his "weaknesses," which include a relatively slow reading rate and frustration with many aspects of writing, including spelling and grammar. I had one idea while he was looking back to find a particular passage in the book he is reading for Language Arts. I thought of using the keyword search feature on the Kindle app to find the passage in the book (which I had downloaded for Kindle). Knowing what the paragraph was about we thought of some keywords and we found the passage in question fairly quickly.

During another Language Arts assignment, my son had to find four passages of interest from the book the students were reading in class, write down the passages, and then discuss them in paragraph form. Writing down those passages was the most frustrating thing for him, as he has trouble transferring word for word from a book to writing (even with typing).  I recommended that he use the microphone feature in the Pages app (which is the word processing app he uses for the iPad), to record the passages, but he was reluctant to do so. I then suggested he copy the passages on the home copier, cut them out, and tape them to a sheet of paper. He thought that would take as much time as typing the passages, but I still think it might be worth exploring at another time.

 I will definitely continue to promote use of the microphone feature in Pages. Copying word for word is just not a good use of my son's time or energy and is not the point of the assignment in this case. While I am happy to type the passages for him, (which I do on some occasions), it is my goal that he develop strategies that allow him to complete assignments as independently as possible.