Mirror Mirror

I have always been an emotional person, and I am sure that my son gets some of his emotional wiring from me. I don't think I really matured emotionally until I was in my late twenties or maybe even my early thirties (studies show that the human brain is still maturing quite a bit until the mid-twenties, so I was on the late side). Over the years I have learned how to not take things as personally and not make assumptions about another person's motivations (two of the "Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz), how to use "breath work" to calm myself down during stressful moments, and how to limit time with negative people in my life.

Still, when my son is upset, I find that I am back to feeling the way I felt as a teenager and all of my strategies seem to vanish into thin air. When my son is complaining, crying or yelling, I feel my blood pressure rising and I feel like crying or yelling back at him. In short, I am a sponge for his emotions.

More recently I realized that so-called "mirror neurons" may be at the root of this. Mirror neurons are specialized neurons in the brain that researchers believe are responsible for things like learning language, feeling like you are part of the action during spectator sports, and experiencing empathy for another human being. Mirror neurons are why you can feel like a spider is crawling up your leg when you see it happen to someone in a movie and they are also why being around someone in a bad mood can put you in a bad mood too. In my case, I believe that my mirror neurons are making me feel what my son is feeling when he is frustrated, angry or sad, and they are becoming my undoing.

While empathy, especially for my child, is certainly a good thing, I think am going to have to find a way to mediate these mirror neurons in order for me to be an effective parent. Consciously "being present" is the best way I have found to not get sucked into another person's mood. Of course, I will also fall back on my repertoire: don't take it personally, don't make assumptions, and breathe…Also, to remember that this too will pass...

.

Giving up something to get something

A new year brings hope for a fresh start and for making positive changes, such as giving up habits or patterns that are not serving you well. It is sometimes helpful to have a ritual around this, perhaps journaling about your goals or writing what you want to give up on pieces of paper and burning the pages in the fireplace.

This year my son is giving up something he likes that has also become a burden, which is being a member of the Keystone State Boychoir, a prestigious singing group. While he loves singing and performing, my son found the almost 4 hour practices every Saturday morning, combined with the extra practices around performances, was taking a toll on him, especially with the added pressure of 3-6 hours of weekend homework.

Still, giving up the Choir was very hard for my son, who had a lot of difficulty giving up something he had worked so hard to join. I finally had to step in and help him make the decision since it was giving him so much anxiety and even led to what appeared to be an anxiety attack one Saturday morning when he realized how much homework he would have to do on Sunday. His free time is very important to him, which I respect; my free time is very important to me!

I recently read a book that really affected me to the degree that I gave a copy to my son's teacher and to my father. Boy Without Instructions, by Penny Williams, is a personal account by a mother about the day to day challenges of parenting her son with ADHD. There are so many lessons from the book that I could not possibly list them all here, but a section on how hard it was for Penny's son to give up baseball ( he kept telling his mother that he was not a quitter) affected me profoundly. As parents, we don't want to be teaching our children to quit, but there are times when something is not serving you well. I believe this was an opportunity to teach my son HOW to quit something the "right way." I wrote a letter to the Choir directors weeks in advance essentially giving "notice" and required that my son stay through the holiday concert (a five hour Sunday which followed a five hour Saturday practice). Also, I made sure the door would be  open for my son to return to the Choir later if he wishes.

So this year I will mourn that my son is not a part of this wonderful group, but I will also be happy on Saturday mornings when he can relax for a change and enjoy the lazy Saturday mornings I myself remember having as a child. I guess you have to lay something down to pick something up.